I am so afraid.

I finally see now that it's the only thing that can crush my spirit to bits. So I am very very careful about it.

<.<

>.>

Ignorance. Stupidity. General "not-knowing".

*shudder* ((>.<))

*sigh* Now I know what I want to be smart about things all the time. It reassures me that I'm still able to think, able to learn, and able to be un-dumb.

*shudder* ((>.<))

The word still sends shivers down my spine.

(:/ ) I have some growing up to do about this.

   Being alone is okay with me. I can do it and I can handle it. Being with others are some levels better. They're fun to talk to and I can practice my communication skills (apparently, I find that I still have some "twisted tongue" when I talk, such as repeating some syllables accidentally when I'm trying to say a word or mispronouncing words or even just tripping over tongue when saying something so it becomes incoherent). Oh yeah, and I'm not the best joke-maker there is (-.-). Coping with the latter though. It's not so bad, just a little sad I can't make people laugh so much.

Hmm. Perhaps it's hard to imagine me as a joker. (-_-) Again, coping. Perhaps I try too hard.

But now and forever, my greatest fear is stupidity. Idiocy, dumbness, ignorance, what have you.

*shudder* (((>.<)))

It's something I've yet to come to terms with.

And it's not really helping that I have a lot of immediate effects of "stupidity"-

*shudder* ((>.<))
 
*ahem*
-such as uselessness, exclusion, ostracism (that last one is a worst-case scenario).

*sigh* Black clouds go away! And don't come back, not ever, no way!

 - Doing paper work and signing out -
- reflector-of

    It's been a while since I decided to write something good here.
    I have been trying to get interesting bits of insight since my last sobby-rant about how I wasn't getting enough. I have learned a couple of things but there's still a lot more for me to discover on my own (or with trusted help; hihi, a shout out (^u^))

Hmm...

   I have been happier. I have been less caustic about the way the world works. I'm forming my own ideology (the one imposed to me when I was growing up and the new ones I encounter almost everyday). I'm being less of the person I hated and more of the person I can be. It's all good. I'm getting better at being a better me (:D)

    There are times when I get bouts of disappointment or sadness (self-induced, as usual) but they're getting even easier to settle with. Now all I have to do is get better at interacting with other people (:P).

Ahhh yes.... Peace.....

Finally (-u-)

And (:P) for all the counting of my blessings, I'm tearing up, haha. It's the good kind, okay? I am so grateful for the help, the time alone, and the quiet time I decided to take during Lent to reflect on everything. And of course a really big pat on the back for me for finally taking that hand reaching out. (:D) It feels awesome to be at peace.

Now. Run along. Peace out, yo~

P.S. Dear problems, if you happen to find your way back, you'll be met with a more level-headed me. Just so you know. Okay, bye now.

First sighted: Jason Mraz's blog
Image stolen/copy-pasted/borrowed from: http://kevinsays.tumblr.com/post/282507861/corrosion-reblog-with-the-first-word-you-see



Aw.

Says an aspect of me who always wants more :))
Who knows. It might say something about you too.

*Other variations of the thing: 
Reblog with first 3 words you see:

...

Well, okay:
Lust
Passion
Fool

........

Okay, if I look for more words, I'll start questioning how I actually think about myself :)) or whoever started this

Lighter-note:
I found about 51 words :) Some are repeated. And :)) after looking for those 51 words, I kinda figured out what kind of impression I was supposed to make about this hype I'm about to make bigger.

"The more you stare at an object, it will start to speak to you." - my other half (just this morning  (:D) *hug!*

Have fun! :) Don't be depressed about what you find. They're just words until you put some personalized meaning into them.

    You can't put a hold on your own intelligence. Hence the title. (:P)

    Today's post-after-such-a-long-and-neglectful-time will be talking about a few things and a lot of things.

    What is it about figuring something out that gives you a sense of satisfaction?
    And yet, you can feel so emotional at the same time?

    I wonder if it's a familiar sensation with other people, to be happy and yet sad at the same time, to simply be yet feel so complex, to be in two phases at the same time over one particular thing (eheh, excuse the science (:D) ).
   
    Recently, I was reminded of how happy I was supposed to be. And I agree. I was very happy. Guess what came from me instead: tears.

    I couldn't stop them. They were just coming out as though a well was overflowing. It was too much but I liked it too. I was even laughing afterward.
   Every time I see that reminder, I tear up. Even if I so much as think about it, I tear up. And sometimes, I think of it randomly. And it's so vivid in my memory even if it was only yesterday.

    And I don't ever want to take you for granted. Ever.

    This evening, I was listening to a sermon and the priest talked about Mary and how she accepted being the Mother of God. She reflected for a while and then agreed, as it was God's will. An omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent being was certainly someone to trust.
    For a long time now, I've been thinking about the things I've done and the things that I've been given the opportunity to do. And with all that I've willed myself to try, willed myself to decline, and just simply declined and desired, I'm still not exactly sure when to say no and yes. It really should be easy since it's my disgression.

    Admittedly, I've become more self-centered than I used to be. This is probably because I'm starting to be aware of what I want, such and such, since I was hardly very focused on my individual when I was younger. And this self-centeredness has gone up to a certain degree such that I find conflict with my conscience at times. I usually try to convince my self that I'm doing fine with what I'm doing, that it's what I want, etc. My mind always wants reasons that aren't a simple "because I want it." And I trouble myself further when my mind has its way.
    Sad to say then, my heart is easily swayed by reason.

    And my mind is, ironically, also easily swayed by my emotions.

    I can imagine them like two beings having difficulty talking with one another, creating a compromise in the end but with worry and stress along the way (:P).
    It's a typical sitcom in a life of a worry-wort. If you have friends like these, feel for them. I think their areas of objective and subjective reasoning need some help with closure. Like mine usually is (and it causes lots of stress for others around me too (:P) especially the one and the ones who care about me the most).

    I haven't much to say, really. And this post isn't enough to apologize to my blog for once again neglecting it for most of the year. (Sorry, I've been busy this first year of a new life as a college student (:P))

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Okay. Fine.

   You wanna know where I've been?

    Okay. Fine (:D): --rant break for a rant, eheh--
Enrolment procedure - OMG! LINES EVERYWHERE! (second time round, it was a less guided but enough for me to stand on my own)
Subjects - typical of any school, not much to say there
Events - Plentiful and varied. Organizations  = events/projects/extracurricular work for you (:)) Noteworthy is the Lantern Parade (the popularity is like a parade at Disneyland. Just WOW.
Misc. - I need to better manage my time so I can still have doodling sessions and time to plan my personal projects (:P)

    Happy now? I know it's not very informative but my blog wants to know more!

.... 

    I suppose that's enough about school then. (:D) My blog can find out on its own what it's been missing, that is, when I feel like putting it up here in more detail (which I probably will, sometime, er, soon).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Well, what else do I have to say?

    I think I may have been guided all along. All the events I've been experiencing, Fate and God knew them all. And guess what? I don't regret it. (:))

    Not to sound so high and mighty, I just wanted to say how less plan-connected I should be when it comes to things that happen to me. It's highly illogical to laugh at a specific second after a joke and for a certain duration now, right?
   And it's out: I over-idealize some things that I even manage to think up some feelings I'm supposed to feel afterward (;P). Silly of me, no?
    Back to what I was trying to say, I experience many things, some of them planned which usually turn sour or okay or rarely perfectly, most of them spontaneous or on a whim. Often times, I lose track of what the purpose of retaining memories is for: learning.

You learn.

    This is why your intelligence can't be capped, like in a game. Ever. Your intelligence is supposed to be constantly used and developed further. The disappointing thing is that we don't live long enough to turn our minds into sleek, sharp, yet somehow fluid needles. Some people put limits on their intelligence. They say it has something do to with the environmental pressure they experience (i.e. peer pressure, circle of friends, parents, the presence of an in-crowd, etc.) .The only real limit to your intelligence is (and it's a fact (:D)) genetics. But even that limit can be jumped over (i.e. studying, putting extra effort, 'when there's a will, there's a way' saying, etc.)
    As we continue to age, our bodies continue to be dynamic in keeping us alive and functioning. Of course, it's not only in eating and resting that we are able to continue living but also our interactions with other individuals of our species and other species of the current earth. (Excuse the science, again (:D) ). It's important that we not forget our relations and relationships, what raw things they teach us and what we choose to learn from them (but, uh, let's not be picky and close-minded, okay? (:D) ).

    Whatever it is I'm supposed to experience, I'm sure going to. Whatever it is I'm supposed to learn, I'm going to. Whatever it is I'm going to get out of this, I know I'm going to get it out of this. What it is exactly, I can't say.

   But I know one thing.

   I'm going to be happy.
 

No matter what.

>>>>(:*)<<<<
Thank You so much for letting me meet you. X3 P.S. I owe you a l--e letter too.

Nice title, ei?

It's a bit redundant but something fun to talk about. Too bad I didn't get the joke the moment I heard it first from the first season of Dexter's Laboratory, when I was about 7 years-old or younger. That was the episode where Dexter was having trouble sleeping due to a nightmare about his sister being smarter than he. He literally builds a dream machine so as to help him manipulate the dream and gather all the knowledge he could in order to best Dee Dee. In the end, the nightmare comes back as Dexter still couldn't answer "What is the purpose of meaning?" (the nightmare he had earlier) and when he goes to consult the "grandfather of all knowledge", it turns out to be Dee Dee.

The phrase itself is quirky to debate about.

Today I'd like to talk about words.

Words are an invention of man. Words are either written or spoken. A word is a word when there is something tied to it. A meaning, a history, an association, a description, etc.; the list can go on.

I can't discuss the idea of words here. I believe they're a postulate of higher intelligence (ehem, us (XD)); so no need to explain or give proof or derive from, and all that junk.

What I would like to say is that one particular word will never strike me the same way again. 

    Why is that so? Has said word ever struck me before?

Well, yes. And I've developed my own associations, assumptions, delusions and whatnot to it. After today, most of that's been broken down into a jumble of words I can't even begin to piece together again. Maybe, if it lets me, I could pick out letters from it instead, and rearrange the meaning to be reduced to "happy." Sweet and simple, nothing short of it.

    What's so different about it now?

It would be difficult to put in words but I can tell you that it means something more to me. I'll leave that up to you to figure out.

(^_^)

Sorry.
My mind isn't quite right at the moment. And yet the moment is so right for my mind.

For now, I'll just quote a song:

    I don't like it when I find out that I have such a naive view on things.

    Normally, I'd  be very open to learning about the in-depth know-how about this thing I've already had an idea of. In fact, I welcome new information. I welcome it because I know it helps me to understand more about the thing or the issue or whatever.

   So it's usually a happy and a fruitful feeling afterwards.

    But there are also times when it's fruitful but not as happy.

    In fact, there are times when it can be downright sad, angry, and depressing. 

(sigh)

    I don't know if it's because everyone else is not as well-off as I am. I don't know if it's because everyone else has had an experience of how reality can be and so are now older and more mature about how they think about things. I don't know if it's because everyone else cares about what other people think so much that they can actually come up with decent conclusions (even though another everyone says that you're not supposed to care what other people think).

   I don't know. That's it. I don't know.

   I learned something quite bothersome recently. And bother me, it did. I actually cried when I shared it to someone else and when he explained the reality behind it. 

   Reality is both fair and unfair. But what it is is what it is, and that it's real and happens. 

   It just makes me really sad to have found out.

    It's for the best that I was told, that I now know but it conflicts with what I've known and what I've come to believe. And that makes me really sad.

(sigh)

   I feel like a kid whose been denied of her candy.

   Was I wrong to hope? Was it wrong to believe that there are possibly good phenomena? Have I been unfair to others? Have I been unconsciously tactless?

   It feels wrong. It all feels wrong to think of it that way. 

   And what's more is that people don't tell you these things because they're also insecure about it. So here I continue to ignorantly hurt, shame, and or put people down because I'd never known.

   Maybe I'm partially mad that I didn't figure it out by myself. Maybe I'm partially mad that I was lead on to believe such positive things. Maybe I'm partially mad because of the fact that by simply having heard this one thing, I easily felt it reach through to my core. I got rocked and I'm still shaking. 

  What am I going to do now?
  
   I'm still teary from trying to swallow all this. I'm still wondering how I'm going to be able to fix all this. I wonder how I'm going to live the rest of my life knowing at least one person out there hates a part of me, and for reasons I'm not even directly involved with.

   It feels unfair. I know I can't please everybody but for someone to immediately despise me for not having done anything to them personally is a load of bull. 

  And it continues to be unfair since no one wants to do anything about it. Whatever happened to protecting the innocent? Whatever happened to change? The only thing constant in this world is change but there are quite a few exceptions to the rule.

    There will always be people who discriminate in a particular way. Think about it. Some people still avoid Asians, Africans, Americans, Mexicans, natives, tribal folk, immigrants, etc. Why can't that change?
    There will always be people who are extremists. I can't imagine how they feel or how they've even gotten to that level of activism or faith or whatever but you're sure to meet one or two, or even at least know about them. Why can't that change?

    But there will also always be those accommodating and friendly people too. People who are understanding and genuine, and I had always thought that they out usually outnumber the others above.
   
   But no. Why can't that change either?

   Forgive me for being so ideal but it makes it easier for everyone else.

   I can't personally stop corruption; there are people who are smart enough to use their power for greed. I can't personally stop ignorance; there are people who are unwilling to learn. I can't personally stop all the evil in the world; there are those who live off it.

If we choose the simple things, we wouldn't have this complex congregation of social rules and whatnot.

To respect others for what they are goes to show you respect yourself for being you. It would be so ironic not to accept others when you've accepted yourself. It's biased.

I just want to live and let live. Be and let be.

    And, okay, worrying about that issue above isn't exactly "letting be". 

    People may not outwardly show their perceptions and thoughts, and I thank them for that. But the thought haunts me. Of course, I can't be wary of every Sam, Pedro or Nellie that I come across. That'd just be rude.

If people can be so easily unfair, why can't they realize that and make themselves fair?
Or is it another question of pride and insecurity?

The human race needs a chill pill...

It's hard to break down a strong wall.

Especially if you have a good foundation for it. Airless mortar, non-hollow blocks, cement with no bubbles, even baked bricks, and then a great design for it (even if it is just a mound and everything is thrown at it, like how some mountains or volcanoes are form those perfect shapes).

I wonder.

I really wonder.

I've convinced myself that I don't need someone else in my life.

And yet, by God's will, someone walks up to me and offers to be in it.

There's a catch. I have to be in his too. It's only fair.

Of course, it's only fair that there's that kind of exchange. I get that part very much. 

But what I don't know is whether I'm not ready for someone else in my life or that I know I can do everything in my life by myself.

I know I can live with just the notion of friends. They've always proven helpful, and I know I can handle that kind of relationship. Best friends are a little trickier for me but I've been able to forge strong ones, even if they're just a few. 

I've just never imagined living for another person. I pretty much live for me. 

I've mentioned times before about how I develop crushes. I've never pursued them but I am able to live with admiring from afar. End of story. They never get so far other than interactions hidden so well through group works and other school-related or club-related activities. 
    Okay, that's a little creepy, but I've always felt satisfied with it. Same goes for when I crush on older people. I've developed this default that they may have girlfriends already (which is almost always true in the long run).

But that's just crushes.

I don't think I've ever evolved any one of them into a like before.

Every time I've crushed on someone, I find out they have a crush on someone else, which totally breaks the fuzzy feeling inside of me. And that's a very powerful turn-off for me already. Good thing to, since if I push it, I might as well have lost the right to talk casually to said crush of mine (in simpler terms, like a friend). The crush-type like fades away in time, to end up as a friend-type like instead. If that's reciprocated, then I'm very content to have another friend to call. 

Maybe that's why none of them have ever evolved into a serious like (right after the crush-type like). And thus, I have no experience of such. Although, there was someone I believe I convinced myself to just be a friend to when I was actually still hiding a crush for him. 

But I've denied it and it turned into a friend-type like.

My denial powers are strong. I can convince myself so well. And then also be fine with it in the end. This is always true for all the opportunities and gifts, etc. I may have been offered. I can decline them so easily, feeling that I'm not the right person for such.

No wonder my life's been so boring. I don't do much with it.

It's probably humiliation I can't do that with. Humiliation or some form of degrading my pride. It always is kept in a steel box, easy to retrieve and easy to remember.

However, whenever it's retrieved, my reaction to it breaks down into "Meh. It's happened already, no use in changing the past." And so my memories of embarrassment also get thrown into a juicer to be turned into brown mush that I don't feel like I have to bother with anymore.

So yeah. There you go. I'm already set for living life passively. Taking everything in the same way it does me: partially.

That way I won't have to lose so much, and neither does it.

But thinking about it.

Life is yes or no. Not "sort of" or "maybe". It can't think for itself. Once it's on, it's on. Once it's off, it's off. End of story there. You may continue some sort of spiritual adventure later on but to think about that now while you're still alive and know you can still live for so much is not fair to Life. 

It's stuck with you, and it will continue to stick with you until you push it away forcibly or treat it so badly you don't want it anymore or leave you when the time is right.

I've grown tired of looking forward to the spiritual adventure. But I still do. 
What do I do to pass the time? I aimlessly wait. That's what I do. 

Heck, if I can stare at a ceiling with nothing in mind for over an hour or mentally debate on something and still not come up with a conclusion, I can certainly wait for my time.

Unproductive, ei?

At times like these, I feel like I'm made of ice. In fact, right now, as I type this out, there's some chill right where my heart is supposed to be. I don't know what it means. And I believe all my ideas escape me as to what that's supposed to mean.
What I do know is that I want it to be warm instead of cold.

Also, at times like these, I entertain the thought that I might be a robot. A beautifully engineered robot who can fit in well-disguised in a human environment. If so, then I've succeeded in fooling all my friends, my family, and the person who likes me. 

Wow. Big disappointment there once I tell them my mission is still unclear and I'm left to simply function (to live normally but not get attached to anything but learn everything) until that mission has been given. 

But I want a mission. I want to do something.

...

It's just that I'm so aimless. I really really really wonder why that is.

Have I stopped hoping for something to go my way (other than projects and plans, etc.)?
Is my imagination still so very child-like it can't imagine realistic situations?
Am I so stuck with the notion that I have to do everything myself when offers of help are always there, just waiting for a call?

-----------------------------

It's hard to accept help when you've had your mind set to thinking you have to do everything if you want it done right.

And I've been living that way a long time now. It'll be hard to break down that mound of foundation stuff (it's not a very pretty wall; heck it's not even a wall; it's a mound of pure simplicity and no effort)

Maybe, I've wanted to live a life with no effort needed to be exerted. 
I've lost quite a heaping of faith on relying on others. 

And yet, you're still sensitive to so many things....
You really are a mystery -.-

What is it really?
You're hurt when someone says you don't care.
You're hurt when someone doesn't come to you for help.
You're hurt when someone calls you stupid.
You're hurt when someone doesn't take your word for it.
You're hurt when someone calls you lazy when that's never true.
You're hurt when someone doesn't pay enough attention to you.
You're hurt when someone knows better than you.
You're hurt when your hopes are crushed (however small those hopes are).
You're hurt when your friends don't have time for you.
You're hurt when he doesn't have time for you.
You're hurt when you try and try and try but never seem to get it.

You never seem to get it again. And now you're hurting. That's why you're feeling like ice. 
You may have forgotten this when you started to literally focus on the real world but things happen for a reason. A reason is justified by the bounds of the physical, emotional, and psychological as well. You're focusing too much on the physical when psychological and emotional reasons are also as valid as the person who claims them to be.

...

What, have you lost faith in people meaning what they say by just saying it?
Is that why you're also "trusting" a lot of people this way, so that they can feel bad about having ulterior motives by simply talking to you?

You always say you think too much but you never stop doing so. It's like you can't relax without questioning something. Do you always need validation after everything has been said and done?

Can't you take another human being's word as true other than your own?

You are most definitely not an island, but you so badly want to be, as if you need to be an island.
And here, someone is trying to reconnect you to the mainland, back to the reality, and yet you're hesitant to go back to it, feeling like you've disconnected yourself enough. That it would be wiser to leave you alone an island.

But he's not giving up.

Despite what you've thrown at him, tsunamis, sandstorms, sharks, jellyfish stings, coconuts, he's still there. His hand is reaching out to you.

You know you don't want him out of your life, that you want to keep him there within your reach. But you know his arm will get tired of reaching out to you.

But you're missing the point again. 

You're hoping he would get tired, don't you? That he just give up on you and leave you alone to yourself, is that it?
Are you really trying to make it so that you aren't worth anyone's time when this boy here thinks you worth all of his? Are you not worth anything when your parents who are so proud of you would give you anything? Are you not worth anything when your siblings have moments of jealousy of you as you are? Are you not worth anything when your friends are running out of ways to say "Thank you" for being so worth a friend?

You are worth more than a little island. You are worth a space on the mainland, a space in the reality, a space in existence. You've proven that time and time again, and yet you don't want to take it. What rainy day are you saving it up for?

What rainy day are you predicting will befall your life when you've made it so able to do anything?

You are aimless but here are people who offer you directions. There are a lot to choose, true, but you don't have to think up an incredibly unique solution to common problems. And everyone's directions are meant for different ways your life has to go.

A lot of people give you maps on love because you asked for it. A lot of people willingly give you maps and offer shortcuts to careers and college. Yet even more people instruct you on how to live your life.

You're free to mix and match those up. You don't have to follow anyone word per word unless you believe it 100% as well. Living, physically, is one direction your life has to go. Loving is another direction your life has to go. Working is another....

Live.

Live for life. You owe it to it. 
----------------------------------------------------------------

If you're reading this, I'd like to reiterate: "Any girl would be lucky to have her like you. I just can't believe it's me."

    I've achieved an a new low. Something really low, even for me. 

    Apathy built a wall all around my heart and I can really feel nothing. 

    But it hurts. 

    Why does my heart hurt?

    Does it mean I'm trying to break down that wall? Am I doing it at all?

    It hurts.

    It hurts to breathe.

    I don't know what's come over me, and I don't know anyone who won't tell me the same words "Let go."

    I want to ask them "How?"

    Let's see them answer that.

   Easy for you to say. You're always contradicting everything I do. What kind of conscience does that?

    I do consider them real friends!

Was that another lie?

    They are. I just don't want to bother them with my problems is all.

And what will that accomplish? A one-sided relationship where all they do is owe you more and more while you live your life the easiest way you've imagined (which wasn't so imaginative to begin with).

    I want to cry now. But the tears aren't flowing. Can you answer that?

You feel the great emotion and yet you're damming it up at the same time. That's why you're not letting the tears fall. What great something can possibly break down that wall?

What can possibly break that pride you hold so dear?

Wait!

 ...what?


 Yes. I'm hurting really bad on the inside right now as I type this out. What do you want to know?


 I don't know.


 Don't want it to feel right to me? I know what I think is right and wrong. And I'd like to see you figure out what it is when I also have no clue what you're talking about.
I shouldn't bother with what other people think.
... Talking with you isn't going to do anything either.
So tell me what I'm supposed to do then.

What's this? I thought you liked figuring things out. I gave you access to all my information.

Not when they're all jumbled up like this.

What kind of puzzle-liker are you? If you can solve puzzles, riddles, etc. this shouldn't be too different.

Yes, it is different.

Oh yeah? How?

Puzzles usually involve a pattern of some sort. A set reference to something commonly known to all people, only set in a confusing manner to discourage the mind. 

And how is this problem of yours any different? You're a human. With very human capacities. Quite common if you ask me. You're making yourself a puzzle that's getting harder to solve, even for you. I wonder how that's even possible?

...

Maybe you want people to take you as a challenge. Is that it? And only you can "figure yourself out."

...

But isn't there someone who pretty much did away with all the figuring out like it was nothing?

...What?

Someone has been trying to solve you.

...

And you're taken aback by the way he's solving you.

He doesn't know everything about me. 

I bet he can figure it out. After all, he is a smart lad.

He thinks he does, but really, he doesn't. I agree that he's smart but is he smart enough to figure out why I'm hurting now?

So you tell yourself. Face it. You're afraid he'll figure you all out and then you won't be a mystery or someone unique and special anymore.That's why you keep troubling yourself, turning yourself into an even tougher puzzle to solve. So you'd be unreachable. What a drama-queen, haha!

Why are you telling me all this? Leave me alone!


I don't want it anymore. I don't want to feel this troubled anymore.

Taking the coward's way out again? 

Yes. 

Typical.

I know. 

There are other ways you know.

Yeah? Like what?

You know them. You've mapped them out yourself in all those posts you've had so far. You always say, "Do my best. Do my best." but when it all comes down to it, you never do.

But I fear if it's a temptation or a blessing. I'll never know about those either.


You're right.


Just because I didn't put an exclamation point doesn't mean I don't mean it. But yes, I mean it. You were always right. I *swallow*

I just have a bad problem...of listening to you.


Okay! 

Listening to everybody. 


What else do you have to complain to me about?


...


-and decided to be patient because of it.

Maybe so many good things happening to me at the same time fogged that up. I forgot all about it. 

Shit. I forgot all about it.

Oh my gosh! I've been feeling so comfy recently I've forgotten the hardest things I've had to do. I can't throw it all away now.

I can.

I will.

And I'll try and try again. 




Singning off, Relfector

Signing off, reflector-of (in the best mood I've had in the longest time)
(The Hardest Part by Coldplay)

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. 

    It's money given to you by your parents. It's seen as a form of income since the kid earns. Your parents give you an allowance because they intend for you to use it for school-related purchases and also be responsible for it when you're thinking of also spending for personal reasons. However, since it is they who provide you with an income, they can also take it back or withhold it from you.

    It generally means extra space for something. For example, in the physical sense, when machines have moving parts, they will need space to be able to move in that range of motion that they have. If you wonder why machines still have casing and such, it's primarily to decrease or eliminate external factors that might cause the machine to malfunction or otherwise stop moving, AND to stop observant little kids from figuring out how they make, stuff, and individually wrap jelly donuts for fear of running out of business. 
    Not limited to gears and moving machinery, it can also be for construction of buildings (i.e. when you measure for doorways and walls nearby) and making arts and crafts (i.e. the distance of hanging mobiles) and so on.

    It is also used to refer to psychological space. That could mean the space you put your self between people, space between your areas of thinking (or how much those areas of your thinking you allow to overlap with others, for example, heart and mind), the space you put around your self and everyday experiences, and also when you reason, you place space between thoughts to allow for connections or a better series of events.

     Carpe diem! Seize the day! (or capture it, whatever your call).

     When is a good a time as any than right here and right now?

     Due to something new, and budding realizations because of it, I have come to question more things about myself. 
    As far as I can remember, I thought I had been completely content with refocusing on my self. All my posts so far have been what I thought about my actions, my thoughts and myself. All my experiences and my point of view on them, and especially how I was going to handle them. 
    Just about a year ago or two, I thought I had lost my direction on how to see things with my eyes. This was because I was encountering new people and new perspectives. I've said that I was a perspective among 100 billion others but it recently dawned to me that I'm a perspective by myself. 
    That was it. 
    I was by myself in my perspective. Sure I shared my views with other people but I never really let anyone else in on it. It was my secret from the world. I felt it was something precious to me, something only I could have, and something only I can use for myself. It was something that I didn't have to share with anyone else, and I sure didn't want to.
 
    Do you get what I'm saying?

    Each person has his or her own perspective. And of course it is unique to them as it is something that makes them who they are. And yet it is in the human nature to share perspectives. I feel like I haven't done a good job of that, or at all rather. I don't have good enough public relations-type intelligence for this. Or maybe, it's something else. 
    I feel that I can't be my real self. 
    How is that possible? You're simply you, right? You are who you are, what your experiences shape you to be, and what you've learned. 
    Then maybe the problem lies in how I apply those experiences and learnings I've gotten over the course of 18 years. 

    It's true that you never stop learning. That an old dog can be taught new tricks. Maybe I'm just the stubborn kind of person who strictly learns at her own pace (which hasn't really picked up speed since I can recall). And so is having trouble putting it all together.

    It shouldn't be so hard to apply something you've learned into your everyday life, right? Neither should it be difficult to learn from experience and make better decisions because of that, right? But there is also that saying that one shouldn't expect so much predictability in the choices presented to you. And like what many people learn, the future is always unknown, no matter how divine your power is or no matter how lucky you've been so far with guessing. 
   Then I guess I'm supposed to take it like a man. 

    I won't begin to say how hard it is to try something new, especially if you're not into whatever it is you're doing. The first step is always the most harassing, the most stressing and the most energy-sapping. A rather useful thought in this situation is the 3-day hump or the 3-day normalization rule (not the official term, by the way (:P)). Give something a shot for literally 3 days and then you'd be fine to finish the rest of the ordeal (which doesn't become an ordeal anymore since you've normalized into it). Of course, 3 days isn't always enough to get a feel of the activity (or whatever is it you're doing that's new). You might be the person to take more days, or when the activity is nearing an end, you suddenly feel you want more. 
    I still feel narrow-minded, despite that I've said that I've come to accept Change as a driving force of everyday. It's one tough cookie to swallow. 

    And this is what I get by taking things so literally [You never learn, do you? >.>* I am learning! Just not as fast yet...and I can't let go of learning this way -.- I trust what people tell me as true at first; the evidence that they are false and or the actual admitting of their falsehood will lead me to believe otherwise]. 
    So to say, I like listening to lyrics of songs because they say things. Despite what the songwriters and composers say about their songs, whether it was serious, based off some life experience, or whatever, I am entitled to my own interpretation of them. In fact, when I listen to songs again and again, depending on my mood, I see that they can be interpreted in more ways that what I had originally thought (so it's become a fun habit to think other possibilities to these songs and then compare them to what I had originally thought). I also sometimes read too much into realistic fiction books or movies. 
    They're purely for entertainment, right? Why then can I not seem to grasp that for what it is? Something is something, it's just that; there's no conspiracy, there's no hidden meaning, there is no deeper thought to it. But that's not the case. There's always got to be something more for me to find out. When I get into that, it's either because someone else has made a witty remark before I did or because someone has pointed something out that I had never realized for myself. 
    Yeah, it's nothing personal. It's supposed to be nothing personal. But why am I taking it so personally? Why do I take these things as an affront to my own capabilities, my dignity and to my self? It shouldn't be. It should have never been. But it is.

    After placing that drama before you, I have to move on to the actual point of this post. Don't worry; it's related.

    I was like most average children, active, having friends at school and at home. When I gradually progressed into grade school, inhibitions grew and so did introversion. Some kids at that point were, in my opinion, lucky to have retained their child-like outlook on things (the "no inhibitions" thing) or have grown extroverted. Then came high school, the turning point of everyone in their lives (if not high school then the first few years of college, whatever happened to you is unique to you then but this is a general fact). The story doesn't change much from person to person, right? But, in order to proceed, let's add that I kept a sort of mental diary of things during those eventful four years. What I knew of people, how they were, etc. Memories and experiences were stored up in file cabinets. Except, these file cabinets were organized more like by alphabet and by name more instead of good and bad, like, dislike, etc.
   That caused some confusion on my part since I would always try to see everything about a person. There were good and bad traits, some I see more vividly in certain people since they express it easily. As for the rest, I am without comments. I do set a default though, that they're persons with good intentions. The people I meet that way usually turn out to be of selfish intent, with some of those overlapping to the common good. When I use selfish there, I mean to say that they are very sure of themselves.
    Okay, maybe not the best default to set when you meet a stranger you will have to interact with for a long time. There is no safe answer, I now see. It's not healthy to assume that people are perfectly kind or perfectly nasty. But that default I set pretty much helps me weed out the people I know I won't get along with. Then again, some people can be unbelievable. 

    It occurred to me that I haven't genuinely hated a person for his or her being. Attitudes, personalities, and motives sure, but not a person. I've always kept those apart: a person and attitudes. And then the people I've met can express very strong emotions against specific individuals for personal reasons. When I observed that through grade school and high school, I thought it weird. Why were people hating other people when they should be mad about how the person acted instead of the person in all his or her wholeness?
    I know attitudes can be changed. It's not impossible (but maybe since I'm self-aware of that, I begin to assume other people are like that too). But I haven't realized it soon enough that a person is not separate from his attitude. Maybe I separated it wrongly. The usual divider is the abilities and the attitudes, right? I went and put in whole person vs. parts of person. [Well, now you know.]
    This was a whole new way to sort the information I had on people and in order to get a hold of all this, I decided that I was going back at the beginning. I should go back to the beginning. I figured that was the best way to reconfigure how I think things through, start with the self. Imagine it like when you defragment your hard disk to loosen out empty spaces or when you burst bubbles in a batter or a solution.
    So everything I ever posted and did up to now was introverted and out for personal gain (and you know how I describe my personal gain). I checked back at an earlier post ("Today...") and I missed the days when I was pretty sure of myself and was really pumped to think up of quirky posts to help brighten people's day. 

    I put a lot of space between myself and the outside, although I didn't really see that until recently. I was always talking about how I'm going to be ready when my bubble would burst but that was it. Always talk, some prepping, but even with much preparation, the outcome can turn out to be anything. 

    How can I still say I'm not ready yet? My parents, Person B (see previous post), the people I've met and interacted with all say the same thing. And yet I put my personal opinion above theirs. 

    I am not ready.

    How can I still say that? Why do I still say that? And I've been declining so many opportunities to test out how my "new way of handling things" simply because I believed it still wasn't ready and that it needed more planning.

    Who am I to say that I've taken the first step to anything? I haven't. What position am I to say that the rest of you should when I haven't even considered starting? Hypocrisy, I say. 
    All that talk I've been telling myself, they're turning out to be words of a hypocrite. 

    When are inventions ever perfect the first time out? Didn't they make models again and again until it worked out? And even then, their inventions were prone to wearing out and malfunctioning (despite the small percentage of that happening). AND, whenever something goes wrong with an invention, there's a warranty to refund your money back. 

    I know that I'm still in the process of building up from the bottom. And to do so, I've concentrated on my self a lot. So much, I believe I'm distancing myself from everyone else more than usual, that I'm just putting up a facade so that I can still learn more about people without developing any sort of attachment to them. 
   But let's face it. When does that ever happen?
   These wonderful people I've met so far in my life have always been reaching out to me. If you can imagine a sort of sphere, I would be in the middle. All around me is some sort of clear fluid; I can see things around me, and yet I do not fully take them in as much as I thought I do. And the people I feel the closest to are only about halfway to fully reaching out to me. So far, I feel as though only little tendrils from them that bore into that fluid sometimes reach me at the center. Good enough for me, I say; I'm touched by their willingness and it's also inspiring me. But then sometimes, I increase the volume of that sphere, making it harder for people to reach me. 
   I continue to distance myself from the people who want to get close to me. Why?

  ...

    Okay! Okay! Secret's out!

    I am obsessed with being the perfect person.

    (>.<)

    There I said it.

    So obsessed, in fact, I believe it's a big hurdle for me to get over. 
    To handle emotions carefully, to know everything, to be the best at everything, to be the absolute best. Heck, to be God-like to put it so simply. And I've deluded myself to such a vague aspiration.
    I've focused a lot on myself so much thinking that it will help me attain a better judgment on things. And since I feel I'm not ready to move on yet, I can't get to the next step. From the self, we're supposed to reach out to the people near us, and then eventually to the bigger things.

(sigh)
   
    Little steps, little steps. 

*deep breathing*

    It's inevitable that I need to interact with people but sometimes I feel that I just don't. I have to backtrack  on my motives and decisions. Was it on impulse, was it really my intention? It's as though I'm not satisfied by simply doing things; I feel like I have to make sure of what I'm doing, if it's really honest or willing, if my intentions get through. 
    Am I allowed to simply feel and not think?

    Yes. Yes you are. 

    But what about the consequences and - 

    If you're are prepping as much as you say you are, then you are ready. You've been ready for a long time.

    But - 

   "But" nothing. You have a warranty; every person has a warranty. If your invention doesn't make it the first time, there are people to console you. There always will be. Even more so if you ask for it. 

   ...But...

    What did I just say? Enough of yourself; you'll have it every day, every minute, every moment until you die. Everyone else is waiting for you to reach out some more. Why don't you start living for someone else instead of imagining?

I guess it ends here. Thank you, conscience. And thank you for putting up with another rant. (goes off to read "Today..." again because it makes me happy)

Signing out, reflector-of

   To start off, let me just say thanks to this space of memory I keep saving my rants in. I know that my posts as of late have been centered around my self and grasping the understanding of that, here and there, etc. and this blog has been more of a way for me to <strike>write</strike> type out my feelings and frustrations in order to let them go and resultantly ease into the situation I rant about than insights into my daily life. But trust me on this, if I had a list of anything interesting to talk about, my life would be somewhere in the middle.

   Now here I hope that the people who take the time to read the posts don't assume me to be someone in need of psychiatric help and is just to word-fancy and proud to admit it. I gave that some thought before and I got the same answer from my mom and my very good friend: I'm a teenager; it's normal.

   This blog has certainly been very generous and patient with me, just a few of the things I find comfort in. But of course, that makes me quite a selfish person. Then again, aren't we all looking out for ourselves at one point or another? Our decisions are based on what we want and what appeals to ourselves. There are outside factors that will help decide in the ultimate decision but that's not the point now.

   The post I'm to write type now is again about people. 

   Among all the people you will meet, there is bound to be one who will be so unbelievable. No matter how well you can read a person or how predictable their actions appear to be, when it comes right down to it, there will be a person who will not meet your presumptions, observations, hypotheses, etc. Your first reaction might be "Damn, I'm wrong." or "Wow, this is a pleasant surprise." or a sequential reaction involving both (either way, one is bound to come first than the other and even if a person says "So?" or "I don't care." really, they do care and just loudly show disinterest at first).
    Another good friend of mine said that a people who don't assume much are lucky to have such a likable trait. Thing is, we assume things all the time. In my opinion, I think it's human nature to assume anything about everything. Even people who "don't care" assume that a problem will solve itself without their intervention or the need to exert any sort of effort. Those people she spoke of must be the type who doesn't let first impressions get in the way of being cordial or knows how to keep personal opinions to themselves. Good for them.

----- And so we begin ----

    Specimen Person A that I will speak of is someone I have known since he was born. I was also there when he grew up and matured into the tween that he is today (on the verge of his first year as a teenager; he turns 13 this year). Of all the years that I have known my brother, I take today to reflect on how much I really do know him.
    I had always fought with this brother. The reasons, I find, are best left forgotten since they're so petty now.
    We used to have physical fights (I didn't fight back though, older sibling thing my mom taught me) after tickling him or joking with him. At that point I figured he was being overly sensitive, quite a hypocrite and just plain unreasonable. What do you expect from a 3 year-old? I was annoyed with the fact that it was always his way this and his way that. That's what I was probably angry about since Mom always told me to be fair. Then I thought that it wasn't fair for my kid brother to always have his way and Mom letting him do so. I thought I was doing them a favor by treating him the way they treated me. Little did I realize that they each treat us differently but equally as the other. I guess it was rooted in some jealousy after all.
    After a couple of years, the fights became rooted in one being smarter than the other. I see that I was forcibly treating my younger siblings (and most people around me) as inferior than I was where intelligence is concerned. That, coupled with the insecurities and pride in all the people in the household, would lead to misinterpretation. I guess that's how I also grew to react like them. First, I get that reaction from my older sister. When I ask her something, her tone to me is snappy and sort of annoyed that I bothered to ask her in the first place. I usually make observations and or ask something and then she would comment and give her view. Although a part of me sort of wants to hear her answer and then compare it to what I've observed and my own interpretations (which I decide are usually right). So I sort of internally scoff at the simplicity, the in-the-boxness quality, and the way she deliberates her answer [Conscience: *mental slap* Baaaad me >_<]. Second, I didn't realize that I answered in the same way when she asks me and when my younger siblings ask me stuff too. Third, as a result, my younger siblings are always wary of answering me or of asking me things. My youngest brother (Person A) has resorted to acting the way my sister and I do, with the added bonus of answering me back with nastier tone and interrupting me when I talk (you know that annoying "Forget it." or something else deliberately and loudly interjected while you're in the middle of explaining something; I absolutely, positively, 1000%, with all my body and soul HATE that; I hate it when people have to make a point of interrupting you just because they don't want to hear anymore of it when the least they could do is be cordial as well and either wait for the end of the discourse or politely interrupt with an "Excuse me." or something to that effect; I, for one, have never interrupted anyone in that escapist manner). I admit I am partly to blame then for his pessimistic attitude (although I would also like to blame that on his friends, the shows he watches and the experiences he has had in school but blame is an accusatory word) because I haven't given him any reason that a person can be better. And yet, he's at an age where he "knows everything better than everyone", "what matters to me matters should matter for everyone", and "I'm good enough to make my own decisions", and all that crap. Yes. I say it's crap since it's selfish beyond all reason. Then again he isn't an adult yet and he doesn't think the way I do, and I should then be calling whatever it is I type here crap too since I'm only one perspective of 10 billion other perspectives out there. 

(deep breathing)

    What I wanted to point out is that, despite all these things that I have learned and observed from watching my youngest brother through out the years, I say he is unbelievable because those quirks about him isn't staying forever, from what I'm learning again now. I thought I had him all figured out, that he was going through a phase of brooding, complaining and selfishness. Yes, that he is but to say that he is going through a phase, it entails that there will be an end to it. My mom has told me that from when my youngest brother used to chat a lot during mass, he doesn't do so anymore (although he has become quite uptight, shushing our mom during tv shows, movies, etc., and telling us to behave normally when he used to always be told to behave normally). It must be a big bite in the butt for him to receive the same treatment he's been giving the rest of us before.
    But that's the trick of it. Anyone would say that he has had this coming after all those years of being a pain to us. I mean, thanks to him, our eyes have opened and now we can act the way he's always been acting because his reasons are legitimate, then and now. Only, we don't choose to flaunt the newer discoveries of that freedom to choose, unlike he used to do a lot. 
    Just to share a blast from the past, he claims his rights in a rather ignorant manner. For example, he refuses to be told what to do since he has a right to complain. A child telling his mother and or father this is against the hierarchy established in the family unit. My mother answers back with the same right to the house and her children. Both of them have reasonable and legitimate reasons to debate over but in my opinion the family unit must be followed. The parent is presumed to know better than the child and also has authority in the household, that is until the child is deemed responsible for him or her self (to add, that kind of reminds me of Toph's behaviour when she first joined Team Aang; she looked out for herself instead of cooperating with the rest of them; while self reliance is an admirable trait, when in a group, looking out for each other forms stronger bonds which increases security of each individual in the long run). The child is allowed to  obey or rebel but of course is presumed to learn from his or her actions and the effects of choosing to act in such a manner. What is a person if said person doesn't learn from anything? A mind is a curse when we're too full of ourselves and then it's a blessing because it helps us survive. 
    What is unbelievable about this? Here I go clearly ranting away at what a self-centered, secretive, "no one understands me but my friends" type of kid surely known to everyone. Well, I'll be honest then: I lost faith in him ever changing. That's right. I didn't expect him to grow out of it until some huge "Oh shit!" moment slaps him in face and I'll be there watching every second of that moment pass. Seeing him learn his lesson would be the biggest satisfaction in my life. And to be honest again, it still will give me a lot of satisfaction to hear him say, "I'm sorry. You were right."
    But that's the thing right there. I stopped believing he could change. And what does he do? In all his want to be opposite/better/get back at me (for I still don't know what reason and he can't name it either)/prove me wrong/any adjective that isn't me, he goes around and does. 
    I was surprised. I never expected this kind of person to change for whatever reason. Maybe he got bored of being what he was and changed into something more interesting. Maybe he got tired of all the nagging, finally came to his senses and took our advice but is too proud to admit it. Maybe this is just a new persona he's trying out so that he could prove everyone wrong (common around that age, to always feel right and show that the grown-ups and peers and "more experienced" folk are always wrong when it comes to situations of the present-day folk where he places himself to be). 
    I mean seriously. Whenever I try to apologize (and that takes a big swallow of my pride, hence very hard to do) he always doubts me of it. He always says I'll just wind up doing the same thing again. "As if.", "I don't care." and "Yeah right." are the most common things I hear coming from his mouth after I apologize. Almost as though it was all my fault to begin with. Was it my fault he's the moody one? Was it my fault he's the one who has a secret need to make his mark among us siblings who have achieved a lot before him (yes, I know he harbors some jealousy)? He doesn't realize he's also partly to blame, with him and his misgivings about life in general, about the people around him, and with me as a person. It's really not fair. I used to have hope in my youngest brother whereas from the beginning, I think he always doubted my person. I'll admit I probably should have conversed better with him. From there, I think a sort of understanding could be made. The problem is, we're too much alike. Our pride gets in the way of understanding the other. Let me tell him this, if he is reading it, you're the one who doesn't want to understand. I don't know why. You can, but you won't. I don't know why.
    Despite all this reason I have to plot some hard core revenge on him one of these days, I don't. The feeling of anger and hatred for me is a tiring emotion. Just thinking about what I could do to the person or imagining the revenge is enough to get me to sleep (though on special cases, I had enough energy to probably break down a door, but I passed it off in sleep or a cold shower, I think; no broken doors here (XD) ). The next morning, I either wake up tired or on better days, refreshed. All the restless energy is gone and I'm back to almost zero on my battery; I have no choice but to act calm until I replenish some of that energy. 
    I do not know how some people can use it to fuel their daily actions. It's like using fossil fuels. You can let it out like sparklers or store it up and let it explode. It's lit up nice and easy, especially if you have a lot of irks with your daily environment but when all your source of fuel is gone, you'll feel empty and then without direction.
    I have done something wrong towards the little guy, using his logic to define my actions. That must be irksome, to be told in your face what you've been telling other people in their face. To me, that's like, "Eat your words, smart-mouth." Not exactly the satisfying goal I mentioned earlier but close enough. It gave me a little satisfaction for having said that to his face. I don't think there was anything he would do that would worsen the situation, since just saying that left me high with smarty-pantsness. Later on though, I realized that it was also a bad move since it goes against my better nature. I'm the older sibling. Despite what he says he thinks of me, I'm always looked up to for some sort of guidance (gee, why does he always realize things very late? (|8<) Iffs the heck out of me when I have to consider that possibility because it entails that he's being opposite of what he presents himself; he gives you all the reasons to stay away from him, and he pushes you away too but then in the bigger picture, he actually watches and learns from you; why the heck do these unbelievable things happen?)
   Right now, for the past 3 days, he has been avoiding all forms of contact with me (not even standing to be in the same room as I am, except when there's airconditioning). I feel that I am unnaturally calm about the whole thing. I have already apologized to him Monday and I got the reply "Go away. I don't care." It sparks up a flare in me, every time I hear that. There I am, already apologizing and he doesn't want any of it, again [*roll eyes*]. But thankfully I knew better and simply walked away from further annoying his Royal Emo/Pain. Recently, I have seen him stomp less loudly and tire of walking away all the time (and here I was thinking that I was doing him a favor, forcing him to walk around, getting some exercise, AND controlling his eating times since he won't eat if I'm in the dining area; I play with these thoughts and yet I push them away since to do so would only show how low I can go). 

    To cut it here for a moment, why is it that when you know you can do anything to change whatever you want to change, it's difficult to to do so? I mean, I am able to speak with a pleasant tone to my friends but not always to my siblings, family, and or household help. Why does the involuntary action of sounding monotonous and or annoyed have to come first all the time? Because of that, I'm pretty much deemed masungit (usually in a bad mood) in the house. Why won't I if I know I can? (see Of Cans and Wills for more of this)

    Going back to Person A, he is the most unbelievable person I have the pleasure of watching right under my nose all because I lost faith in him every changing. Law of Nature uses change as a driving force of everyday life, whether be it evolution, survival, or even simple development. Law of the Cosmos say that change is inevitable, and that anything can happen. God's prewritten Fate (or whatever He actually calls it) we will never know what it should say but it entails that what happens is meant to happen and that one shouldn't expect a status quo for very long while The End of the World is yet to come.
    I thought I had accepted change a long time ago. Turns out I had only accepted it for specific people. I hadn't thought to apply it to everyone, which leaves me quite narrow-minded when it comes to this concept. Thanks to Person A, I'm starting to see that change is possible in everyone and that I shouldn't give up on its possibility. Maybe someday, he'll also realize all of this too. I'm just impatient for the anger and hatred to ebb.

----------Take a breather, this will take another good hour of your time, as it's taking the last few hours of the day for me to finish typing, haha (XD) ------------

    Next we head on to Specimen Person B, a very good friend of mine (mentioned in the second paragraph of this post). I've known this boy through my 4 years in high school (but I got to know him in what counts for about 2 years or less). 
    I act differently around the people I know and the people I don't know. Although, when I decide to get to know people, I have a reason. And usually, that reason is because I harbor a crush on said people. 
    When I said "get to know", I would like to clarify that I would find reasons for continuing interactions with said people I have a crush on. The most I would get is the occasional brushing of arm or holding of hand or pushing towards some place, etc. Not much, ei? (but I was in heaven when those would happen (XD) ) I wasn't like those 'go-getter' type of girls who would walk up to the boys they liked and strike up a conversation with them. I wanted to be prepared not to make a fool of myself. I liked keeping my crushes a mystery to said crushes. I'm really very good, and even the friends I've come to know had a hard time figuring it out. They had to bring up guesses and I would always reply nonchalantly. Except, sometimes, they were right on the money. I had to be honest, so I explained. When you ask a question, I usually answer it well enough (except when I unconsciously make more of a mess of things by working around the answer using bigger words, etc.). But yes, I can be as frank as you frankly ask me a question (which usually spoils the fun of more guessing and then teasing; but the teasing comes later anyway (XD) No wonder I'm labelled as such a serious person.).
    When I do crush on someone, I never suspect them to like me back. It's a crush after all. I've accepted the fact that anime, romance novels, romantic comedies, and other related works of fiction don't always happen in real life, and since I hardly believe in love at first sight (not saying it doesn't happen) anyway, it's already exhilarating for me if the person I crush on glances my way, waves 'hi' and bothers to recognize my existence. If other girls could imagine their romances by some future beau, I didn't. I never bothered to since I saw no need to fantasize (besides, I had other things to keep myself preoccupied such as those works of fiction, haha (XP) ). Heck, I didn't even imagine how my future life partner would bother to look like. Even the list of traits I made in my post in the "Ideal Guy" thread at this forum my English teacher made were mostly something of his personality. I wasn't hoping very high for a good-looking guy to sweep me off my feet and make my heart leap to the sky. No indeed; I was looking out for personality. I did include that he had to have some of level of handsomeness (or a kind of look at least) but that was entirely subjective to my preferences. And since I wasn't the type to crush on real people so easily (celebrities or actual people I interact with), I've never had a solid reference for a guy I would call good-looking (other than occasionally observing-then-learning from my classmates' and batchmates' celebrity crushes). And besides, I've already figured out my level of attractiveness even before I harbored my first crush on someone (and turns out, I was pretty much right; people prefer me a friend or a 'mommy' so to say than someone they would harbor fuzzy feelings for; although girls and some boys alike have said I was cute, haha; that's enough for me (;)) but it was more of cute like a child, but I didn't care about that since it was pretty much true). 
    From the latter part of my high school sophomore year, I decided that I was a person who had no intention of getting into a high school-born relationship after watching many of the  people I know make up, break up, and then get together with someone else (although I was jealous of it at one point; thanks to a book though, my mind got reset on the same track as it had been, with a stronger resolve not to get involved with relationships until I was older and I felt ready for one). It's hard to see a pair no longer be a pair and then pair up with someone else because you knew these people. They looked okay together until something either stupid or inevitable happened between them. And then something inside you wants to intervene but that would be complicating the situation so you could only watch as two people you've come to accept as a couple drift apart. 
    I'm not about to say that the whole truth you've known up until the break up will mean that you won't be sure of anything else though. You will still have that exam on Tuesday and the questions will still be about circle equations and the types of triangles. There will still be that outing with your friends next Saturday to watch a movie and then play at the nearest arcade. Just a reminder: gossip and the 'news' are for your entertainment. Just because Family Guy stopped being aired doesn't mean there's anything else left to watch on tv.
    Well to get to the gist of it, I have found myself in something I expected to happen 4-5 years from where I stand. I'm still having my doubts about whether this is real or it's just a dream. Person B has decided (and declared) that he likes me and somehow that has helped me realize that I had still been harboring a mutual like for him. He was, shall I say, my second serious crush in this lifetime. 
    I became attracted to him as the sophomore year progressed but by the junior year, I decided to leave him be and see him as a friend because of a certain incident involving his prior relationship. Of course, he was in a state of distress so I wanted to help him out instead of trying to become a rebound girl (eugghh! Perish the thought! >_< That was and is the last thing I wanted to happen; it will just feel awkward with me knowing I'm being used and him being guiltier about it, and then ultimately both of us ending up in a state worse than before; too many movies and stories, and I came to the understanding that those kinds of girls were desperate, sad and, metaphorically, not apples at the top of the tree). The attraction mulled down to a like between friends. Or so I thought.
    By my senior year, I had become quite adept at hiding my true feelings even toward myself. Heck, I couldn't even figure out that I was actually reawakening my crush-type like for Person B whenever we chatted on-line, spoke frequently during our elective, and when I helped him work on a club project which he volunteered to lead. I always thought that was the way things go when friends get to know each other better. The like that grew was the same like I had decided to express for him (the friend-type of like). My head and my heart agreed, except my inner heart sort of knew my wants better. I'd always had difficulty listening to that inner heart since way back; that held my wants as an individual but it was always drowned out by my mind, my heart in general, and numerous influences. Which inadvertently lead to my indecisive nature when it comes to things I "really really want." To hear it again, I have to be in a very solemn, very quiet place, my inner voice silenced, my mind silenced, and my surroundings very distracting (distracting enough to keep my mind in a state of awe) or not distracting at all (because I might fall asleep and dream my wants out). At least I was able to tell him the truth of the matter before things got any more misunderstood.
    What's so unbelievable about this person is pretty much everything I've known about him. He's a lovable jerk to his friends, an occasional prank dreamer (and puller) to specific friends, and the calm, witty guy around everyone else. That's what I came to know of him. The persona I crushed on was the latter most (and probably because we spent a lot of time together when I was active in the writing club of my high school). But after my encounter with that book (mentioned earlier) and seeing the state he was in, and also having lectured him on the 4 kinds of love: Storge, Philia, Eros, and Agape, I decided to keep my word on what I said and focus on the Agape instead. It's not wrong to try to act like God in terms of improving my methods of compassion and social interaction. In fact, I believe people will find some comfort in it if there were more people who loved a little more like God, unconditional  and infinite. Our versions may never be as perfect as His, but there's no harm in sharing something like it (of course giving credit to He, the Almighty for having such a great kind of love). He had retorted before that he would like to have someone to experience the Eros kind of love with though. And he argued with me a bit by saying that I should have someone I'd like to share that kind of love with too. I honestly answered that I had no one in mind and that I was sure I wasn't ready for that sort of thing. I said that it was a nice feeling, I suppose, but I would never get farther than a crush from that present time since it we were all in high school, and most of those feelings never did mean anything more than a crush, despite the self-confidence teenagers tend to have about themselves being mature enough to pursue relationships. You can never really tell. You might be mature enough, then again you might not be after all.
   Time skip brings us to the more recent past, when he confessed, then I realized and then confessed as well. By then, I had known his other personae more. What startled me a bit was the fact that I wasn't at all bothered by the crassness nor the blunt attitude of Person B. I mean, the second year me would be chastising him for it by now. But the senior me was all "Meh. A person's a person." I couldn't believe myself, really. What happened to that scrutinizing attitude I once had about choosing friends carefully, who I hang out with, and what I talk about? From uptight to loose goose (well, not so loose; I just became more accepting of the nature of people around my high school, I guess; lewd talk and guy jokes were commonplace, and I figured, I'll see more of this in college and the real world), the change was all so fast (2-3 years is fast enough, I guess) yet it felt right to be more laxed about company I surrounded myself with. However, it will take more time to learn how to act appropriately among the different companies I surround myself with (how ever way that will be, I hope to keep my personality in tact when I do). And what more was that I actually enjoyed his company that way. I had never been mean on purpose (well, except this one time, but that was it; I vowed never again) but the way he was to his friends sort of made me realize that I could joke around with them as well in the manner I often do (which is usually sarcasm and making some witty realization). In due time, his friends were pretty much my friends too. And since he was the type to get along with most anyone, my friends were his friends too. 
   And no, that's not the unbelievable part yet. 
   This person I consider unbelievable when I found out how he likes a person. I thought when you liked someone, it could be a little over the the crush bit. You find things you like about said person, such as a winning smile, a graceful step, a snappy answering machine, etc. which goes beyond mere attraction (of whatever it was you were attracted to him or her for in the first place). But Person B is quite different. He would go to great lengths and be faithful to said person he likes, so he says. Admirable of him, I said. It reminded me a bit of how I was the kind of person who would only crush on one person at a time. I had a handful of serious crushes through my four years in high school but none of them ever happened at the same time. He also said that he would do anything to make her happy. And from what I learned of his last (and only other) relationship, it sounds as though he acted the same way, except with less security with his own issues. He then added that he was willing to wait for me. 
    For a lovable jerk and a witty, get-along guy around campus, he certainly has a different side to show for the person he cares the most about. Then again, that might be true for every guy who develops feelings for a significant other in such a way that it compels him to change or reveal a hidden persona (good or bad or whatever; usually good, in my opinion, since it's the significant other who will be impressed by it). And what I consider unbelievable is that he has so much compassion for who that person is. 
    Just to share a little bit of something, we keep a daily greeting basis and spend most of every do-nothing day logged on to Y!M and just chat about whatever (from us, to my insecurities, to movies, to friends, etc. *you get the idea* ). Sometimes I get doubts about how he's actually feeling, that it isn't as strong as he makes it out to be. I know that he has a way with words and can be very convincing (at least I believe him to be) whereas I have to make contact in order to really affirm something to whoever I'm trying to convince. Here, check out a question we tossed back and forth and tell me who sounds more convincing and meaningful (despite the nature of both being jokes):
---
PersonB: How do you put up with me, haha
Me: It's a talent I have (:D)
...
Me: On that note, how do you put up with me? (:P)
PersonB: By liking you a lot, duh
---
    I sometimes wonder what kind of person I really am when it comes to relationships. He's said a lot of good things about me which I kind of find hard to believe since I can be a different persona every now and then. Maybe he's relying on that involuntary action of mine for when I'm in a relationship. To be frank, it's a blank. No kidding. I have patterned my relationship self by nothing. If anything, I'm doing the best I can and making something out of scratch (by which I mean stuff I happened to come across and read off the internet, the book mentioned earlier, and  personality quizzes, horoscopes, etc.). Lucky for him he's had some sort of experience, even though he says he's only a level above me on the level of experience. Still, he's had experience. The closest thing I had was an unrequited crush by a former classmate, which I casually exposed during a group activity in a class; it probably freaked him out of deciding to crush on me [Conscience: Tsk tsk, and I thought you put others before yourself]. I was sure by then to keep certain facts to myself and not be an awkward turtle.
    It's really unbelievable for me that a person could have this much to give of himself and, what's more, it's to a person he likes. I'm sort of wondering whether this is borderline love or somewhere generally before it. Whatever it is, it's big and it's deep, and I have reason to believe it's sincere. And what do I have to requite it with? Nothing of worth. Nothing. 
    My parents said I had no obligations whatsoever to requite these feelings from a boy who was feeling them. Leave him be. It's his own decision. But I've mentioned in an earlier post that I was the kind of person who receives things graciously. By doing so, I can at the very least show my gratitude for such a gift. In fact, I preferred it more if I were the one giving something than receiving it. It sort of gives me control over the situation.
    I don't know if Person B figured that out from the start or what. In all honesty of my being, I do feel compelled to return the feelings but I haven't anything to show for it. I only have this small rekindled like for him. It's probably not the same as how he likes me now (which I feel sort of guilty about but then again I shouldn't be; but I don't want to feel like I'm leading him on or something [Doubts, doubts, doubts, they are my mind-louts]). 
    I reflect on my interactions with him so far and it's always been giddy but I don't think I've learned to like him as much as he likes me. I keep getting recurring doubts about myself and how I might just be doing this for show or to please other people. Why can't I decide anything myself for me? For as long as I can remember, it was always what other people said was good or was right. Always an outside opinion. Of course, that had to matter since my opinion wasn't the only one around. BUT what I've forgotten was that my opinion matters to me the most. I can't seem to hear my inner heart much anymore. I have too much turmoil going on right now.
    What I have resolved though is to stay put with this like for now. And then let Person B continue to be an unbelievable person. He's convinced me enough that I can take this chance with him. Maybe he'll continue to convince me of what I can believe in. I really don't want to lose something before I realize I actually truly want it. Many things have happened that way already and I don't want history to repeat itself.
    In addition I have to learn how to see that unexpected things can be a blessed event in my life.
    So far, I thought that I wasn't enough of anything to be given notice or out of the average blessings. I became a little selfish when I found out about karma. So I raked up the good points, I figured I had but my motive was clear: it was so that good things would happen to me in turn. I waited and waited. I didn't see much good anywhere. Maybe it was because I had a selfish motive. Sooner or later, I grew out of that motive but there were times when I wondered if I was still doing it for the good points [Hey, shouldn't the past matter in the past but the present matter now?]. After that though, I started to feel the goodness when good deeds are done but still nothing good to me happened. Then I thought maybe it was because I was also dreamless. I have very generic (and not to mention general) goals, which is probably why they take a longer time to materialize than other people's or not at all since even wishes have to be specific for the likelihood to come true. I don't know how I've forgotten my ability to dream up a goal. It must be a sad day when a person stops dreaming.
    Or maybe, I'm fooling myself again. And my inner heart is working its magic to piece together the want I've been trying to reach for but couldn't figure out as of late. But there'll be more turmoil until then. (sigh)

----- End Transmission ------

     Today's post really is two things: a bridge and troubled waters.
     Troubled waters, as you can probably make out to be, are the turmoils I have with the two kinds of unbelievable people: the ones I was wrong about and the ones I was pleasantly surprised with. The bridges I'm trying to build over those are still in the making. Either rivers are unpredictable and deep and can sweep me away at any given instant. 
    It will be hard but I promise I won't drown in them. What I make up for in lack of faith in the present I have in the will to get out of a mess and move forward.
   But, let's knock on wood shall we? Always with the worst-case scenario, ei? It doesn't help when you're trying to live by the present. And so I also admit I've grown impatient ever since time began to move faster for me. It would be better if I could slow it down a bit again.
   If anything, unbelievable people have retaught me the following words, words I used to think I knew everything about, words I thought I had always followed and kept in my heart: Change, Hope, Understanding, Humility and Patience.

     Heh, my inner heart must be using a good part of my focus in order to empower the Law of Attraction which is probably why I'm feeling so blank, frank and mundane right now. And it's also probably the reason why I can't hear it so well, laryngitis from wishing so much. Well, it's quite good to have my subconscious focus on something else other than my usual doubts thought. 


    Signing off, reflector-of